Confessions of a Closet Snob

Hi there.  My name is Snobby Snoberton…

I must confess, I’m a snob. 

I think I’m a closet snob, but in reality I’m out there baby.  WAY OUT there…

Let’s begin at the beginning, shall we?

First, I’m a coffee snob.  But not in the way you might think.  I drink drip, indulge in espresso and will occasionally patronize the Evil Empire (a.k.a. Starbucks), but I prefer local shops run by local folks, and you’ll never, ever, hear me order a half-caf, double whip, two pump, light cream caramel non-fat latte.  NEVER.  I’m a snob, but I’m more of an anti-snob.  Sure, that drink may be the most delicious drink ever.  But seriously?  You sound like a boob when you order it. 

I’m also a beer snob.  Totally.  If I can see clear through my drink, it ain’t beer.  Just because it has an alcohol content and should only be sold to adults doesn’t make it beer either.  When European monks perfected the craft that had begun with ancient Mesopotamians, I don’t think Bud Light Lime-a-Rita was what they had mind.  Me either.  My beer has to have some depth, and character and flavor.  2am drunk on a Friday night is not a flavor.  Snob?  You betcha.  I’ll gladly don the scarlet letter and be ostracized by the Raider Nation, thank you. 

Oh…And I’m kind of a clothes snob, too.  I can still hear my mom telling me to look presentable when I left the house.  EVERY TIME I left the house.  Of course, this was before there was a Wal-Mart on every corner.  Sheesh.  I’ve never seen so many P!NK pajama models before in my life.   Of course, I’m playing it fast and loose with the term “model”.  Girls, seriously, any guy that is attracted to your “just got out of bed” hair, dirty hemmed PJ’s and muffin top probably isn’t the guy that is going to treat you like you want to be treated. 

Too much? 

The guys aren’t any better.  Seriously.  At what point do you really think having your caboose hanging completely out of your pants is a good idea?  You have your cell phone in one hand and your pants in the other, just to keep them up.  Are you just stoopid?  I think you might be.  And let’s get this straight…You might think the girls find that attractive, but only the bunny slipper wearing, pajama bottom sportin’ type.  Does this make me a snob?  I’m thinking it does.

Sure, it’s a free world.  I’m not perfect myself.  But a little common sense people.  Just a little…

What started this rant? 

A blog post, of course.  An opinionated, radical, rant about this and that.  Now, I’m not generally snobbish toward ranting blog posts, regardless of which direction they lean.  I’m a pretty open minded guy, despite my snobbery.  But I do have snobbish standards when it comes to ranting. 

Don’t get me wrong, you might even be put off by my own ranting but let’s face it, I try to be funny.  I may not always succeed, but I do try. 

And that’s where I’m putting my snobby foot down today.  I read this post online today, and I could tell more than a few things about the author in the first sentence or two.  First, she was angry.  The post itself was less of an opportunity to entertain AND get a point across (like this post, for example) and more a manifesto toward her personal feelings on the matter.  I say “her” because she made it clear she was a woman.  Not that I have any problems with that, but she was attempting to cram that fact down my throat nearly every other word.  Second, she was less concerned with grammar and punctuation than she was with typing….very…long…sentences…that…went…on…and…on…and…on…and….

You get the point. 

So, really?  Here’s where my snobbish, snobbery comes into play.  If you want me to be sympathetic to your cause (because you are obviously upset about something), how about trying to lure me in with some educated thoughts and proper use of the English language?  I’m more likely to take you seriously if you demonstrate you’ve put more thought into your rant than simply to be angry.  Until then, I must disincline to acquiesce to your current point of view.  You could try humor, too.  Funny is good.  I like funny. 

Look, nobody’s perfect.  Any one of my three readers will tell you, that includes me.  But do us all a favor and proofread and edit.  Just a little.  It’s all I’m asking. 

So there.  Short sentences, proper grammar, try and keep it down to two pages (and not twelve) and add a little dose of levity to keep things moving.  Is that asking too much?

And yes, I’ll try and keep my snobbery limited to beer and coffee and proper tailoring of clothing.  I might toss in a rant or two about how Taco Bell isn’t really Mexican food, but who would disagree? 

I hope you all have a very nice day.  There, I’m done. 

…For now. 

 

(and if you didn’t think at least ONE of my jokes was funny, you’re probably a snob too.  A Joke Snob.)