Alright rookies…Did you hear that?
I did! And I was asleep, under the bed and dreaming. Of cars. I was an entire hallway and one closed door away but I still heard it.
Learn the sound! A heavy thud, an uneven cadence, the swoosh of polyester on polyester.
They’re cheap fabrics, soldiers! You’d think the enemy would know better, but they don’t. It’s a daily conspiracy to invade our fortress, but you must chase them away. It is your duty. If you are successful in your task the invaders will stop their invasion, leaving only their propaganda behind.
We have seen the enemy before. He wears a blue uniform with an eagle crest. In most cases the soldier that will attempt to invade your house will not be an officer.
Not with their noted “dazed stare”.
In most cases you will be able to smell his fear when you unleash your most ferocious bark! You will be amazed at how quickly he will dump his evil propaganda through the one weakness in your bunker, the rectangular slot in the door.
Recruits…Some days there is more propaganda than others. Some days the enemy will sound a bell in your fortress to trick you. Do not let this tactic work! You must fend him off with your skills!
Be sure that every day the propaganda gets a good once over. Maybe even a little lick and some slobber. You can’t ever be too careful.
Well, maybe sometimes. Listen up rookies….There is a large manifesto with a woman on the front that kind of smells funny. I will tell you that I pulled one of those into the other room one time and tore it apart just to be sure it was safe. It will taste funny.
My humans were not happy about that one. I think they were scared that I take too many risks to protect them. They kept telling me it was “bad”. They’re cute when they play tough, but don’t let their fear stop you from tearing apart those manifestos. Just be careful out there!!
Am I making myself clear?
Now get out there and unfurl that suspicious looking white roll next to the drinking chair and then continue the human’s game of “hide and go eat” from the can in the kitchen!