The Not-So Justified League of Ordinary Superheroes

I haven’t been social lately.  Don’t take it personal, it’s not you…it’s me.  I’ve actually been busy.  Behind the scenes stuff.  I have a book coming out and I want it to be perfect.  For you.  How’s that for guilt, huh?  I could be Guilt Man, Superhero Conqueror of Self Confidence!

And there you have it, this morning I’m thinking about superheroes…

It tends to happen from time to time.  Being one myself, that is.  As a child I was Devastatingly Cute Boy!  Able to lull you into submission with my over the top cuteness.  My awesome bowl haircut prevented any mind tricks from penetrating into my impressionable brain.  I paint quite a picture, eh?

I’ve never been accused of being Modest Man, Defender of Ego!

No, lately I’m more The Sarcastic Wit!  (Every hero name has to end with an exclamation point, you see).  My powers include saying passive aggressive things to the rude person standing in front of me in line, and also blogging about it later.  I would have claimed myself as The BLOG!, but that name has already been trademarked.  I’m pretty sure the movie is due out soon, staring Ed Begley Jr.

After my awesome pre-teen years as a mega-hero I quickly became the Invisible Man during my teen years.  Just ask all the girls at prom.  They never saw me…

I’m actually two heroes at once, if I’m being honest.  The Sarcastic Wit! Is just my alter ego for Short and Scrappy!  My best friends are all much taller than I am, and yet they fear my scrappiness.  It’s like a mix between the Tasmanian Devil and The Flash, but without the red and yellow tights.  Or all the hair.  Okay, okay..without the red and yellow tights…

Would I wear a cape?  Hmm….lemme think about that.  Probably.  Only because as a child my blanket…er, cape helped break my fall jumping off the top of the couch.  But I have to really think about this.  If The Incredibles taught us anything about being a superhero, it’s that wearing a cape is dangerous.    I’ll get back to you with my final answer.

My late high school years I worked in the union as Smarmy Charm Guy!  I think every late teen boy is required to put in his time.  It had only reinforced my time as the Invisible Man.  I’m just lucky I never pulled the short straw and had to be Slapped by My Girlfriend in Front of a Crowd Guy!  That job is rough.  And no cape, either…

My recent superhero duties have included stints as Awww Dad! and Really Honey?  My powers include being able to embarrass the ones I love most by loudly singing Duran Duran tunes while walking through the bookstore.  Her name is Rio and she dances on the SAAAANNNNNDDDDD…..

It’s a gift, what can I say?