I’m often amazed at the speed with which so called “news” is being processed in today’s world. So much so that I’m generally reading articles from a week ago because quite frankly, I don’t have time to keep up. I mean really…the internet is ENORMOUS. I try to keep up, but alas.
This morning I was checking out the front pages of a few respectable (?) conveyors of news and realized why I don’t read more articles. The headlines say it all;
“Brett Lawrie Fires Helmet at Umpire Before Fan Hurls Beer in Tantrum Over Strikes”
First, I love a good headline that uses the word “tantrum”. Second, I don’t need to actually read this article. Brett Lawrie gets paid to play a game and behaves like he’s reliving his terrible-twos in the sandbox. It is what it is. What is really telling is that some MORON hurled his beer at the umpire for a call he made. Bad form…very bad form. Call an ump names, but throwing beer? NOBODY will respect that decision, dude. I mean, seriously, even small beers at a ballgame are $12…
“10 Board Games That Should Be Movies”
Off the top of my head I can think of ZERO. That includes the upcoming “Battleship”. I don’t need to read this article because I know it is only going to send me into a blinding fit of sobs and tears like when my wife has hotels on Park Place AND Boardwalk and then gleefully takes all my money. It’s that bad…
“Three Wiggles Calling It Quits”
MUST. NOT. TELL. JOKES…
“Coffee Drinkers Are a Little More Likely to Live Longer, Study Finds”
Uh, that’s not living longer. That’s caffeine. It’s like cutting the head off of a chicken. Sure, it’s a hoot watching the little guy run around the yard, flailing away, but make no mistake that feathered friend is finished.
“Rod Through Phineas Gage’s Brain Caused More Damage Than Thought”
Duh! But really, I read this headline as if original researchers believed the rod had caused “thought”. Think about it. The headline should read – Rod Through Phineas Gage’s Brain Caused More “Damage Than Thought”. Silly scientists…
Greg Morton 
Fabulous post, Greg! Thought provoking and humorous. It’s sad to know that all the mainstream media outlets around the world are owned by just five companies. Fair and balanced? Uh … not so much.
Thanks Gina! I didn’t know that about the media outlets. To be honest, I’ve never given that much thought. I’m a skeptic by nature, so I usually have to read about a million different articles before I start to believe anything. Even then I’m a tough sell. But I agree with you, nothing these days is fair and balanced.
You summed these articles up perfectly! Fun reading your comments. Too bad you aren’t the one writing all of the headlines. Would sure make the news more readable, interesting & definitely fun.
Thanks Dava! Yeah, I would have a tough time taking most news seriously. There are some really sad stories that need to be told, and there are some incredibly inspiring stories that need to be told. Aside from that, most of what is considered “news” nowadays is drivel in my opinion.
Too many companies trying to outdo one another with a “scoop” that suddenly we are getting BREAKING NEWS about people in Jersey who, back in my day, would be considered loafers and mooches. I’m just sayin’…
I appreciate you stopping in!!! 🙂
This is hilarious! Oh the danger of relying on headlines, sound bites and speaking points for our information. Isn’t it ironic that with all that “information” floating around out there our society is less informed and subject to more “thought” manipulation than ever. Great post LOL!
Ha! I may give up reading articles altogether and instead just come to you for the interpretations…
And because I am a desperate word geek, I spent way more time than I like to admit reworking that last headline in my mind. After some consideration I decided I’d replace “than thought” with “than previously believed”. Although the original is obviously way more funny.
And yes, I will sleep better tonight now, thanks :).
Ha ha ha…I totally get it. I read most headlines with some reworking or another, not necessarily so they make sense but often just the opposite.
However, most the time the headlines are just plain obvious, strange or DUH! that I laugh and immediately move on.
I may have to write a book on just headlines…ha ha ha!
Thank you for the laugh with these headlines. I was thinking the same thing about the board games. They are ruining our childhood memories! Although, Sorry would make a sweet game.
Ha ha ha…was Sorry part of that article? 🙂 Obviously, I didn’t read it. My first reaction was that Shoots and Ladders or Candyland might be good movies, but then it occurred to me that you probably couldn’t make those movies without it being creepy. Think Johnny Depp in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”….