Some Rules Should Never Be Broken

Everyone has their own personal “rules”.

Whenever I’m battling zombies, pirates, giants, marching alongside elves and hobbits or fighting crime, these are the rules I live by;

Rule #1: Cardio

If you’ve seen the how-to documentary…er, movie Zombieland, you’ll no doubt understand how important Cardio is as a first rule.  The problem, however, is that it directly conflicts with Rule #4.  See Rule #4.

Rule #2: You DO NOT talk about Fight Club

Is an explanation really needed?

Rule #3: Safety

As in “safety third”.  A pre-requisite for Rule #3 is fluent sarcasm.

Rule #4: I only run if I’m being chased

Running is a vile activity enjoyed only by masochists and gazelles.  I do not do this for sport.  Thus, I must alter Rule #1: Cardio  The Double Tap

Rule #5: Beware the naked man who offers you the shirt off his back

Thankfully, I have little cause for this rule.

Rule #6: He pulls a knife, you pull a gun

Rule #6a: He sends one of yours to the hospital; you send one of his to the MORGUE!

Variations of the theme also acceptable, i.e. “Hit first and hit hard”, “eat or be eaten” or “he who laughs last, laughs longest”.  This is Survival 101 people!  Stay with me…

Rule #7: Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line

Actually, this rule is no longer valid.  I’ve spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocane powder.

Rule #7: Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line

Rule #7: Never cross the streams

The only exception to Rule #7 is when faced with an abnormally large man of marshmallow, the streams must be crossed.  They must…

Rule #8: There’s no crying in baseball

Rule #8a would prohibit Madonna from baseball as well, but I digress.  The only exception to Rule #8 is when the Cubbies when the World Series.

Rule #9: Never go anywhere without a knife. 

Special Agent Gibbs doesn’t have to tell me twice.  Seriously.  I’m not getting whacked in the back of the head.  I use my knife as a screwdriver, spoon, scraper, digger, picker, poker and stoker.  Oh, yeah and I use it as a knife too!

2 thoughts on “Some Rules Should Never Be Broken”

  1. Love you thoughts here and especially agree with #8 (you a Cubs fan?) and #9 but think you need to adjust your credits by adding on Scarecrow and Mrs. King. Not sure if you’re aware but the third season of SMK just came out on DVD Tuesday and fans from all over have been enjoying their favorite show all over again and while watching Utopia Now last night, Lee and Amanda would have been pretty much up a creek if she hadn’t brought her Junior Trailblazer knife. Lee was able to pick the lock and they were, of course, on the run through the swamps late into the night. Without that knife picking that lock, we would all have missed the “near-miss kiss”. for you, Jamie, you wiped up you spilled milk with your mothers note telling you all where she was and your grandmother was a total wreck worrying about her daughter! Wait…you’re not’re Greg Morton. Excuse a little carried away there:)

    1. Brenda, I am a huge Cubs fan! I am in love with most things Chicago, with the Cubbies being top of the list. I’ll have to watch SMK again to re-live the moments. But that’s why I love hearing you so I can get all the information I need about the best episodes to watch!

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